My Heart Hurts

Time is moving so slow. I can hardly wait the 2 more hours until bed time. If the wind blows the wrong direction I think I might cry. I hate everyone. Everyone pisses me off. You don't even know how bad this timing is. I hurt so bad. No one can really hear me. No one gets it. My husband doesn't understand. I feel like I can't really cry on his shoulder. He wants me to just accept the fact that we may never have children. And I can't do it. I just can't. I want to get wasted smoke thousands of cigarettes and then just shut my brain off and go to sleep. I want to wake up pregnant, skinny, and living in a house. I only want to hear advise that makes me happy. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to dream anymore. I don't want to hope anymore. I want to sulk in my misery and tell everyone else to go screw themselves. I don't want to hear that anyone is pregnant it is like a dagger to the heart. I don't want to walk by the baby section at Target. I don't want to see a new born baby. Keep everything baby away from me. I can fucking handle it. I want to walk but not talk I want run until I pass out I want to eat and throw it all up. I want to starve myself. Why did I tell everyone in the world about how excited I was for my appointment and what would happen. I was all wrong and it was horrible. I am embarrassed. I was stupid. I want to post on facebook " just kidding everyone I am a failure adn I will go no where. We wont be having babies or buying houses"  I will stay where I am and my husband can take all the money and put it into his car and he can live happily ever after I will just watch. I give up I give up I give up. I surrender I surrender I surrender. Why God WHY!!!!!!!!! Doesnt it just get worse from here? That what I heard. I am just starting this struggle and I am already braking down. Maybe I am just not cut out for this.

I understand that this is all dramatic and I will be fine. I know. I will pray and God will give me strength and I will have hope again. I am just sulking in my misery and feeling bad for myself today. It was too much this weekend. I suppose I thought it was going to be the best weekend EVER but it was major disappointment after another and I am spent. I am done. I am giving the world a big middle finger and asking them to sit and spin because I just dont care today. I just dont.

I will care tomorrow. I will love tomorrow. I will try tomorrow. I will hope tomorrow. I will get up tomorrow. I will be a good christian tomorrow. I will be strong tomorrow. I will be the woman of family and hold us together tomorrow. I will be a good daughter tomorrow. I will be a good wife tomorrow. I will be a good housekeeper tomorrow. I will be a good sister tomorrow. I will be a good aunt tomorrow. I will just be tomorrow.

But today please just let me be. let me be weak. Let me be mean. Let be rude. Let me be wrong. Let me cry. Let me hurt. Let me sulk.

Is there such thing as being too hopeful?

There have been some pretty big life changing events in the works lately. I am so ecstatic, but extremely terrified. My terrified comes from the money issues. We are ok right now as we are, but expanding our family or buying a house or anything like that will be REALLY tight. Gabe and I also have absolutley NO retirement. We are currently debt free and have an descent enough savings. But as our life expands and changes I am suddenly scared. How the hell are we going to make it! On paper it barely works out. I mean it does, but if anything throws us for a loop...i.e. Job loss, cars breaking down.... I don't know what we are going to do. I plan to fully rely on God, and just go with it. But I dont want to be stupid either. Right now we are living in complete comfort, and have money to spare for emergencies, but we are going to have to move soon, because this place will not be for rent any longer, and what we are looking at doing is a complete risk. It is much more risky, and will put us at our MAX budget. It will allow me to do in home daycare once we have children, but it is sooo scary. We would be making a move in hopes that nothing financially major happens, and that I will be successful in having an in home daycare. Its a risk. Bottom line its a risk, and its scary! What if we fail! What if I never get pregnant. and we lose our jobs. I mean if we could afford to buy a nice big house, and I could virtually start a center.... well that would be different, but that just wont happen. I made this plan and budgeted EVERYTHING. and we can do it and we can make it, but by the hair of our chinny chin chin! All in hopes that it will be successful I will have a child, and Gabe will get a new job or atleast a raise. IS this really the economy for hopes? For dreams? For Plans? For Risks? I am just not sure.... Is there such thing as too much hope? Am I crazy? Am I unrealistic? How much extra money should a person have after all the bills are paid and gas and groceries? If we proceed to moving up from our tiny condo and paying more a month will we fail? is only a few hundred bucks extra a month after the bills are paid enough?

YIKES. God please Bless we will make good decisions!!

Looking Up

Chaos chaos chaos! thats how it feels most of the time. Last night laying in bed I was praying, and thinking about spiritual things, and forgetting about all the chaos of earthly things. I.E money, houses, cars, material things, keeping up with the jones's, volunteering, sewing, crotcheting, getting my picture projects done. Pretty much all the things that keep me so insanely busy! I then felt this over whelming gratititude for what I really have. A much better spiritual life, a growing incredible relationship with my husband, great family, my cats, love, and Gods Grace. I felt so at peace and so blessed. I prayed for our baby of course. But I realize God's timing is perfect and when it happens it will be right for us. and if it never happens that is meant to be as well. My life is perfect in all the imperfect ways, and living with peace and gratitude and grace through God is all that really matters. The power of prayer can really turn your Chaos into Peace! We have had some pretty big things in the works, and I am really excited for it all. Just living day by day and Fully Relying On God through all the earthly stresses. That is how I am going to Look Up today.

Cycle Day 24 Bittersweet and full of hope!

On cycle day 23 I spotted!! This is sign of amazing hope! I spotted all on my own!! Of course I have EXTREMEMLY HIGH HOPES OF IMPLANTATION BLEEDING!!!!!

But on a more realistic level maybe I am getting a natural non induced period!! That would be a bittersweet gift!

Today Cylce Day 24 I am having more spotting pinkish brown. Very light spotting. But more than yesterday. Which leads me to beleive that it is a period coming on. But I still hope its implantation.

I am so full of Hope I am pretty sure I am floating right now. I warned God last night that, though I know his timing is perfect and I have absolute faith in that, I will need him when I get a negitve HPTand I will be OH SO HAPPY if my period comes all natural though it will be bittersweet. Because that will mean I missed a possible ovulation.

Sometimes I wonder if people really know what it is like to be so up and down for 4 years and 5 months of hope and let down, and excitement, and 100s of negative OPK's and HPT's. It hurts and its wearing. Since September last year I have never had so much hope working with someone I thought was going to really help me. I have been dealing with so many ups and downs, and disapointment and failure.

I have been "giving it all I got" and its still not good enough compared to what I could be doing! Though something must be working considering I got some ever so encouraging SPOTTING.

Its funny how a person always wants more. I used to think if I ATLEAST got my period I would feel better. Now it is looking like that is the case and of course I am EXTATIC, but there is that little negative voice that says its only 1. You got 1 last year too. It doesnt really mean anything.
Why does the negative rear its ugly head. I would much rather be floating in hope. But I have been down this road before. Where I am so full of hope I could burst and and then something happens and the let down hurts so bad. I am starting to have this negativity that is really I think a natural defense mechanism. I dont like it.

KUTLESS LYRICS

"What Faith Can Do"

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

So heres to keepin Faith.

 

Luke 1:37   FOR NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

Cycle Day 11

Well its cycle day 11 and I am at 37. soemthing! So I am so close of making my Goal of getting back to 36 lbs to loose. So much harder to take it off than putting it on! ugh!!

Doing well with Vitex and Met. Not so good on my BBT charting. But I got my starting temps, and I know what I am usually lingering at. So I better just get on that. I have my OPKs prepared for when I am having hope. Hopefully its not a waste of money! I am going to start CM charting as well. Gross I know, but still!

I just watched this inspiring clip on 700 club with Suzy something about supplements and diet to help with Diabetes and of Course that means PCOS. Basically I took from that NO WHITES GO GREEN and Supplement. The new supplement I want to add is Vitamin D. I might have to get some green supplements for the benefits of chlorphil. But I may just start off with Vitamin D. Apparently it does the same thing as Metformin!!! so super excited to try that out. Not sure how I am going to do on No Whites. that is scary. But I just have to start trying. It is all really trial and error until habbits are formed.

I have been eating like 6 times a day smaller meals. It feels like I am stuffing my face constantly but I know this will help my metabolism and insulin surges. I have not been too picky on what I have been putting in my mouth 6 times a day, but as long as its not a sugar drink or fast food I am ok.

My main focus right now is cutting out all my sugary drinks, and fast food. So far so good, but I have not been faced with a weekend yet. So that makes me nervous!!

I am going to stick with this plan for a while. I am hoping to ofcourse get back to my 36 mark. And then from there get down to atleast 30. Then I might step it up for a little more change.

But I think eating 6 times a day and cutting sugary drinks and fast food is HUGE. so I really might have to just battle that out for the next couple of months. I will see how fast the weight comes off from that alone!

I do this blogging as a way of looking where I was where I am now. Progress and downfalls. I am a little paranoid typing this as anyone can come across it and I am pretty boring by all means. My sister thinks I need to not journal as much as I should make it more interesting. Well using this blog as a journal helps me more, and that is after all the point right??

So I started just this moring a more extensive paper journal that I write down temp - CM - weight - foods eaten - all my meds and supplements and how many of each pill I took to look back and see where I need improvement. I wish I would have started cycle day 1, but hey starting cycle day 11 isn't that bad! as I highly doubt this will be a successful cycle anyways. I am sure I will get to cycle day 68 and see Dr. Rhodes and be induced again. But hopefully with in the 68 days I will give it everything I got and tell Dr. Rhodes where I am at. At my best. and he can come up with a plan that will lead to success! I know it could be YEARS but I want those years to feel like progress is being made. The last 11 months since I started this I feel as I have BARELY made ANY progress at all. Though I know there are some definate progresses made, but still. I struggle so much. The 30 lbs weight loss has taken 2 years alone!! Though in the last 16 months 20 of those lbs came off. the first year was only 10 lbs. the second year was 20. So hopefull this 3rd year will be 30!!! well 37.8 to be exact!

Cycle Day 3

Its cycle day 3 today. I started tracking. Taking my 3 Met, and my supplements. I have eaten like crap of course. Its hard in the beginning of the cycle :) Crampy Bloated Tired.

Woke up with a rash covering half my body!! Took Bendaryl which resulted in a little nap in my office on my floor :) Only 1 person came into my office though. And she didnt care. I was on lunch!

I am back to feeling a little more motivated. One thing that is nice about restarting a cycle is that it feels like  fresh start. Shedding my past failure. Then on with new improvements.

I am now tracking on Fertility friend which I really like! I am excited about that. maybe something good will happen :) hmmmmm....

I did just realize I have an insane amount of OPK's I am not sure how well those really work with PCOS. I feel like I wasted my money. But who knows I think I am going to try those out too.

So as far as weight I am going to set mini goals. My first goal is goign to be to loose 42 lbs from today. So from now on I am going to refer to my weight as how much I need to loose. I recently gained 4 lbs back from what I lost. So today my weight is 42.0 tomorrow if i loose a lbs. I am going to say my weight is 41 lbs. and so on.

So on Cycle day 13 I would like to be 36.0

My goals for this week during my period is going to be to drink lots of water, and shed this bloating. I am going to WI Dells this weekend. So it is going to be hard to shed weight. So I want to maintain, and by the end of next week loose the 4 lbs I gained. and Be 36.0.

This also gives me a break during my period not to be too stressed out. hee hee :)

Lets see how mini goal making goes. I do feel with the responsibility of this blog and tracking on FF, and looking at things everyday it will hold me more accountable for my actions not to fall back into old habits.

God Bless!

Holding off until next Cycle restart.

Well, I came to a decision. I have decided not to procede with the specialist until next cycle induction. I will be doctorless until then.

I am going to give it everything I have to give on my plan I have been on for the last 10 months. Then before my next appointment I will do all my research for my insurance coverage, and MD speacialists, and RE's in my area and see what I can do. I will continue to pray I will take the right path. I will be completely prepared for the next step and the cosultation.

and Who knows what will happen between now and then :)

after all it is not MD's RE's medications or science that will get pregnant it may or may not be my path,  but it is whatever is in God's Will. And I trust that.

My Doctor dumped me! Devestated....

The past few days I have had everyone praying for me, and my doctor appointment ( she is actually a nurse practioner I have been seeing, but I call her Doctor) I loved her. I really felt she had educated me and had me on the right path. True I have been discouraged with the lack of progress but still I had my faith in her. I went to see her yesterday with high hopes, and all the women praying for me from Bible study. I was feeling great.

I get there... she gives me a blood prego test (NEGATIVE OF COURSE) and prometrium to induce my next cycle. And she tells me to see and MD that specializes in infertility in the next 12 days. She was very short and in a bad mood and in a hurry. I felt abondoned and hurt. But my hopes were again boosted when one of the Doctors that enjoys seeing women with infertility issues was behind the desk and agreed to squeeze me in today after a C-Section as his only patient of the day. I get there waiting in the room for him for a half of an hour, and he calls and cancels. DEVESTATED. The receptionist squeezed me in for tomorrow at 420. My work is really upset because I have to make up so much time. I have to admit I cried on my way back to work. Why do I have such troubles with Doctors. I can not find a good one that freaking cares. I am sure Dr. Rhodes is great, but he is just extrememly busy and a half hour from work so I miss too much work trying to get into see him. Plus they warned me he is very busy and always behind. But one of his speacial interests is in Interfertillity. So I cannot decide if I should go or not.

I can more easily go to an OB right by my work, which would be a lot easier. But the 2 women that are there do not speacialize in infertility. I do not know what to do.

I am doctorless again!!!!!!! tears.......

Back to the Doctor again!

Well I am having to medically induce my cycle again. Back to the doctor I go! I am excited to see what she wants to try next. I have been battling what I am doing now for 10 months. it is obviously not working. I wonder if she will put me on Clomid! I have a few reservations about Clomid which is what has really stopped me from pressing the issue.


Clomid Positives
* possibly stimulating ovulation to make Baby Randall a possibility


Clomid Negitives
*chance of birth defects to my child (slim chance but still)
*chance of multiples much greater anything more than twins will just be too much
*sickness from the medication
*more expensive

I have decided I am going to talk to my doctor about all of these things and see what she has to say. I am going to follow her guide I think.

another option they may try is time released Met to have a better chance of my body excepting higher dosage. I have already talked to her about all the supplements, and she doesn't really know anything about them. So I am just taking them.

My sister told me about an interesting study done about a vitamin D deficiency and women with PCOS. So I am going to ask her about that and hopefully she will test me!

I want to stay positive about things. I want to keep making progress I want to keep moving forward and trying new things. SO HOPEFULLY we can start trying some new things because this train is at a STAND STILL.

Failure

I would like to leave my feelings of Failure here on this page. To be out of my system. To shake the this negativness that holds me down.

I am failing.

I am failing myself
I am failing my husband
I am failing our Baby Randall
I am failing my sister
I am failing my parents
I am failing my inlaws

Why?????????????????????

Why can I not take my meds like I am supposed to?
Why cannot I not take my vitamins, and supplemts like I am supposed to?
Why do I get discouraged by tracking?
Why don't I excerise?
Why do I eat and drink all the sugar?
Why do I eat the carbs?

Why do I do this to myself, and my Family?

How much do I really want this?
How important is this to me?

I read story after story and hear story after story of tons of women with PCOS, and how they get pregnant by just doing what they are supposed to. Eating right, exercising, getting sugar and carbs under control, losing weight, taking metformin, and supplements. Some women have to take it further into agressive fertility options and meds. Then I read something about how controversial those meds are.

It scares me. So I revert and make bad choices. I let Material things get to me. Like buying things and money stresses.

I need to give it to God, and live day by day in his Will and just know it will all work out in his hands! It is all just sooo much easier said than done.

Update

Wow its been since March 2nd that I have written. 4 months!! It has been an unproductive 4 months. In April I went back to the doctor, and she thinks I am really getting close to regulating. She urged me to not go on Clomid quite yet and to give it a better chance. At that time according to the doctors scales I had lost 27 lbs. Which was great progress. She said I can stop tracking until I start having natural cycles. Because Right now I am having 90-100 day cycles with no ovulation. It is just tortuous to wake up every morning and search for it!

I added to my regiman of meds!! with Supplements!!
1500mgs of Metformin
250mgs of Magnesium
400mgs of Follic Acid
and of course my daily Vitamin

I also purchased Preseed.

I would like to start Fertile Aide or Vitex. (herbal supplements)

I went through a depressed time then I just put it out of my mind, and would cry during my prayers.

I then went through an icredible optimistic time when I just knew God was telling me it was right around the corner. I then developed a little fertile cerivicle mucous, and my hopes were sky high and I was on top of the world!!! well my cervicle mucous dried up ( I was so sad), and I took 2 pregnancy tests with in 3 weeks. Both negitive. Depression reared its ugly head!!!

I started the supplements at that time. I started putting My Baby Randall out of reach and out of mind. I have been letting the stresses of money and life get to me. I subconsciously started forgetting my meds and my supplements. I started eating more chips, and craving more sugary foods.

I noticed when I was my most positive I started not finishing my plate. I didnt want to put the bad shit in my body. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be healthy and feel healthy. I wanted to walk. I JUST WANTED TO FEEL GOOD!! but as soon as I was back to negative I craved the bad stuff.

I have really opened up, and started talking more about babies, and what I am trying to do. I feel that I am not overly obsessive and consumed. I dont want to cry with every baby I see or pregnant women.

But I feel like I dont talk about my feelings when its hard. I dont think people want to hear that nor know what to say. I cry to God, and get it out then mostly. But lately I cannot get over my feelings of failure.

noticing more change. But what does it mean?

I have noticed with my BBT that my range used to be 96.3-96.8. now my range is 96.8-97.18.....why is it ever so slightly higher?? am I going to get my period?? did I ovulate and not know it?? if it stays this way I could be preggo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still have to wait to see 1 more week of this and I can take my first legit at home pregnancy test. I mean I have taken thousands, but this one would be legit! I definately have breast tenderness, but that is normal for me and my fluctuating hormones. I have slight cramping...again normal for me. nothing else out of the ordinary though..... I hate constantly wondering, it is so wearing! Though I doubt I am preggo...it would be sooooooo encouraging to get a natural period. I just keep praying!

Going Well on Met!

So I have successfully uped my dosage to 1500 mgs. I am having slight GI upset but nothing I can't handle. I am looking forward to my doctor appointment in April to get on Chlomid. my hormones and my BBT is still all over the place, but I am hoping with me taking more Met it will even out!

I am thinking about sewing something for our future Baby Randall. Just so I can have it around to remind me to be a good girl and follow all the rules. I don't want to obsess, but there is nothing wrong with a cute little reminder right?? I have faith it will happen. And if its just not in God's plans well thats ok too. But I feel like God will bless us! I told my pastor this last week about us not being able to conceive along with my bible study class as it sort of pertained to our conversation, and it just felt good to say it, and I bet I have some extra prayers on my side!
I have some extra plans to help out with our chances as well. I read that the male sperm rejuvinates its count every 3 days...so I think my hubs is going to be a happy man :) if you catch my drift!

I am trying to get back on the band wagon with healthier eating, and I am doing ok, but I still make too many mistakes. but I am back at my 23 lbs weight loss, and I hope to make that 24 lbs weight loss by friday!

I am going to talk to my doc about getting hubs swimmers tested so in April we will be all prepared for Chlomid!! whoo hoo! I am soo excited! As long as God is willing this will happen! and I am thinking in the nearish future! I have a good feeling! As long as I can stay healthy!

New Plan of action!

Damnit! I have a month and a half before I go back in to the doctor, and by then I want to accomplich 1500 mgs of met & vitamin daily! walking 3 times a week! and BBT charting. all flawlessly. I have a new plan of action for my met. I am hoping I wont be so sick! so far day 1 good! I want to move up my appointment. But I need to be flawless for a month first I think! we will see. I just need to F'ing DO IT! grrrr....there is litterally NO PROGRESS in fertility. I have seen some better side effects from the met. but its not good enough. OHHHHH and I Gained another 1 pound!!! so that make me 6 pounds up! I guess I have only now lost 17 lbs! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr bad bad bad! its all the eating out I have been doing.

My mom and I were talking and we really realized that I am carb and sugar sensitive, and even if I am going out to eat I need to alter my foods to be less carbs and less salt, and I will make a big change. Now I need to stop eating frozen foods for lunch! ohhhh man that is going to be difficult! however there is no reason I cant make a sandwich and have a jello and some baby carrots! even if it is every day I just dont care anymore! I was also thinking I need to start eating a salad before dinner so I dont fill up on so much carb, and start making frozen veggies for dinner everynight too so that I dont fill up on the carbs. I need to make meat and veggies my main course!

Frustrated!!!!

That is all I can say right now! I want to move up my doctor appointment. Because I am just frustrated. I am ready to call this natural Sh*t QUITS bring on the drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am making NOOOOOOOOOOO progress. Not to mention I think my hormones are going BIZURKKKK. which maybe is progress....grrrrrrrrr my BBT is just the same for over a month. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!! I got nothin NO PROGRESS. every time I try to step up the Met I get sick. Maybe I should just tough it out?? I dont know! I am just FRUSTRATED. and I am starting to get the want a baby bad blues.

Set Back

Well last week I got some serious stomache issues from my Met Formin. I tried too much. Well I have barely taken it since. And I only have a couple pills left. I need a refil and to get back on the band wagon! I gained 3 LBS. (which is better than when I could say I gained back 7 lbs) My BBT is NOT regualating. I feel crampy like my body wants to get its cycle, but it is just NOT happening. I have until April when I see my doc next. I know I am not taking enough Metformin. But everytime I try to up it, I get sick. and then I regress and stop taking them all together. I know I need to get up to taking 2000 mg a day. But 1500 is touch and go right now. I know I need to continue to cut carbs and sugar. I know I need to incorporate exercise. I truly beleive IF I can get my Sh*t together and do this I will get a cycle!!! and I will get preggo on Met alone or incorporate Chlomid. I just know God will bless me with a baby if I can get myself healthy. I just keep having set backs! Someone once asked me...."well how bad do you really want it" I want it soooooo bad. I am sometimes consumed by it. I can feel what I am doing is making a difference, but not big enough. I need to step it up. Why is it so much easier said than done! I am so frustrated with myself.
On a lighter note. Today is a Great day! and my lunch and breakfast have been very HEALTHY! and I am getting my prescription filled. So round a million here I come! I just need to stay positve.  A friend from High School that I have talked with over FB email has recently become pregnant after years of trying and frustration and Chlomid failure. This makes me sooooo happy for her, and I LOVE TO HEAR SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Metformin Success Stories Check it Out!!!!

http://www.soulcysters.net/showthread.php?193442-Metformin-Success-Stories



this made me soooo happy I cried on my lunch break! Its so stressful, but truly opening up and making this blog and talking about it to my sister all the time....has been truly healing. and I am feeling good. Despite my BBT ups and downs.

NO temp surge ---- probably no progestrone surge :(

Well my temp actually went back down. So bad news I guess. I still feel PMSee but that may be my hormones just being all over the place. I know it will take time to get things regulated, but my hopes were high. Thats ok...I am going to remain positive no matter what.

hopes are up ---- I hope

so yesterday I had my temp drop, and today it was up in normal range but it is still up!!!!!!!!!!! so IF tomorrow I have an even higher temp that means that my progesterone is probably surging!!!!!! and if it continues to stay higher that means I will get my period, and if it stays higher for more than 18 days it means I am most likely pregnant! I know its only normal range today, and maybe the drop was a fluke, but I have sore breasts, and am slightly crampy, and very tired....i really think it might be a progestrone surge!!!!! I will gladly welcome a natural period, or better yet Baby Randall! I know its only been since september that I have been on metformin, and I have only been hard core BBT tracking for a month, and my last prometrium cycle was only a month ago, but maybe just maybe God has answered our prayers, and things are looking up! I will post tomorrow with my temp news.....I will be praying like no other tonight!!!

After reading the info posted below - re focused!!

My biggest complaint about doctors is that they don't sit down and explain things. Hence the reason for SOOO many years I have left my PCOS untreated. I never really totally understood the correlation of my symtems and the whole insulin resistance affecting my ovulation. I am very happy to understand the direct correlation. And knowing why it is so extremely important for me to be taking my metformin and watching what I am eating and drinking and getting my insulin under control. I see why I need to lose weight. It makes so much more sence! It feels good to see my path and direction. I still need to fully understand my BBTs better and charting in correlation to having PCOS and not having a true cycle. I am curious to know if BBT premitrim and Chlomid can all be used together to synthetically give me a cycle and ovulation. I mean I want to do this naturally with met formin and weight loss alone. But part of me just wants to start taking all the medication. But I think I am going to stick with my plan for 2011 to just try with more natural methods along with Metformin and vitamins and water. and get into prime condition for Chlomid. and if i can start getting my period naturally and then start taking chlomid!!! lets hope my changes I have made thus far are already working! I mean I did have a temp drop!!

AMAZING INFO - This helps soo much to really lay it out there!

It has been known for many years that a considerable number of women with PCOS are overweight. People of both sexes who are overweight are often insulin resistant. This is one of the major causes of Diabetes. It has been known for many years that insulin resistance is a major part of PCOS.
Insulin resistance means that the insulin that you are producing does not work as effectively as it ought to and hence, your body must produce increased amounts of insulin to keep your blood sugar normal. This leads to elevated levels of insulin in the bloodstream and these increased levels of insulin stimulate increased androgen production by the ovary. The increased androgen production in turn interferes with development of the egg and further blocks ovulation. As you can now begin to see, the process locks itself into a vicious cycle.
It has also been known for many years that the dose of Clomiphene necessary to induce ovulation is directly related to the woman's weight. Women of normal body weight may require only one or two tablets of Clomiphene daily for five days each month to stimulate ovulation. Women who are significantly overweight may require four or five tablets a day and even then only about 20% of obese PCOS women will ever ovulate on Clomiphene therapy.
The good news is that there are now drugs available which reduce insulin resistance. Reducing insulin resistance means the pancreas has to produce less insulin, thereby reducing serum insulin levels. This should, at least in theory, help reduce the excess androgen production from the ovary.
There are two main classes of drugs which reduce insulin resistance. We call them "insulin sensitzers". The two principal types of drugs that are available are the Thiazolidinediones and the Biguanides. The first thiazolidinedione was Rezulin. This was taken off the market because of rare but sometimes severe liver damage. The 2 newer versions (Avandia and Actos) have so far shown no evidence of liver toxicity. Metformin (trade name Glucophage) is the most commonly prescribed biguanide.
The thiazolidinediones and Glucophage have slightly different mechanisms of action. The former work mainly on peripheral tissues whereas Glucophage works in large part on the liver.
Increasing reports have shown that women placed on thiazolidinediones alone will sometimes ovulate and become pregnant.
Both Glucophage and the thiazolidinediones can be used as a sole treatment for diabetes, particularly in the earlier stages. However, they are usually used in combination with other drugs. On the other hand, they are frequently used alone to treat people who are insulin resistant but not yet diabetic.
A recent study has shown that the combined use of Glucophage with Clomiphene will allow ovulation to occur in women with PCOS, particularly those who are overweight, where therapy with Clomiphene alone had been unsuccessful.
Furthermore, not only was the Clomiphene therapy successful in inducing ovulation, it did so at much lower doses (one or two tablets daily), even in women who had not responded to higher doses.
This is of great importance - first, because it allows women to ovulate with easier and simpler therapies, and secondly, it opens up doors to women whose insurance companies will not pay for Pergonal and who might otherwise therefore be shut out of any effective infertility therapy.

Do you think??

My temp dropped! not significantly....I am going to take an ovulation test, but if it is a drop due to ovulation it wont work. I found out today that having PCOS and taking those predictor kit tests is EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE, because with no cycle it is hard to predict. another thing I have to talk to my doctor about. April is just not going to come soon enough, but with my temp drop.......hmmmmmmmm just maybe! I better get busy, and hope that I have an elevated temp for the next 20 days so I can take a prego test, and it just might come out positive! I know I am praying for the impossible....but impossible is possible with God, and I am trying to stay Positive!

Current luxuries of being an INfertile Mertle

I am on this mission, and I really don't know what the hell I am doing. I called my doctor, because during menstruation after progesterone induced menstruation I had a 2 week temp spike. She says a pregnancy test is in order. I take a home pregnancy test. NEGITIVE. She says well it must have been from the meds. Back to normal BBT....How in the hell do I have, or find, my biphasic cycle when I don't have a cycle. I don't have a luteal phase because I am not ovulating.....HELLO....what the hell is the point of this shit! Excuse my french, but sometimes this is just ridiculous. But... ok ...ok I need to find out if I am randomly ovulating. Which apparently is probable. But I might only ovulate like once a year, and if conditions aren't right I still wont conceive. I mean I was reading today and even your cervical mucus has to be just right. Well this just doesn't seem very encouraging. I am taking my metformin, and trying to eat healthier so that I can bring on ovulation more naturally. Well I can tell you whats not natural.....my gas....whhhhheeeeeewwwwww....thanks metformin! My husband isn't going to want to impregnate me with that! SERIOUSLY!!! but a small price to pay for our baby Randall. I just hope this is not all in vain. If nothing happens by the time I go back to the doc in April...I think we are going to have to make another step. Because I am not feeling so positive. I can't be freakin Merry Sunshine all the damn time. Sometimes the damn glass looks half empty what can I say! I am not saying I need to be pregnant or have ovulated by April, but I would like to see some sort of pattern or try progesterone cream or fertilaid. I would love to try clomid, but I am scared for that step....I wanna be in PRIME condition before I go there. and I need to drop ATLEAST 30 lbs before I start that. I am scared of Clomid because I am scared it wont work...and I don't know if I can face that yet. I am not strong enough to face failure beyond natural failures.

My forehead reads DEFEATED!!

Yep....lets just lay it out on the table...I am smoking. I am cutting down to 8 cigs a day. I was a failure at smokeless smoking. I mean I still use the method in moments when I want extra, but for now 8 cigs a day it is. and you know what....I am EXCITED about it!!! My sanity is back in tact!

Sick of hearing it............Venting........

How many people can ask if you are pregnant or when you are going to get pregnant..... Seriously....I don't know.... I have told anyone that asks that I am fertilly challenged. So they ask me a month later...how is it going are you pregnant yet.

Seriously!! I mean I know it could happen any time...but the likely hood of that is slim. STOP ASKING people. I am not pregnant. or anytime I say guess what...everyone thinks I am going to blurt out I am pregnant.

OK anyays just a vent quick. I am open and honest and I don't mind talking about it. In fact it helps for me to talk about it. But when people think I am pregnant everytime I turn around...it just makes me sad. it hasnt happened in 4 years people...these few changes I am making right now...is setting it all up. My chances of actually ovulating are better, but it hasnt happened yet! I have a long way to go!

If you want to ask me how its going thats awesome, but please don't ask if I am pregnant a million times.

Or there have been people that actually tell me to not think about it, and see what happens....ummmmmmmm
that doesnt F***ing work....that is what I did for the last 4 years. Now I am starting with small changes and trying to prime my body for ovulation on still little medication. This will probably not work either, but we are going to try for now, and in doing so it will better our chances on Chlomid.

OH and by the way DO NOT SIT AND TELL ME HOW FERTILE YOU ARE AND END WITH, "ARE YOU PREGNANT YET? DONT WORRY IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT." it is down right rude!!

Do you ever wish you would just SHUT UP

Do you ever wish you would stop talking but you just keep going on!

I have this problem with a girl at work.
I completely open up to her and completely over explain myself and its embarrassing....I dont know why I tell her EVERYTHING....its like she fed me truth serum....uggghhhh

so i just opened up to her about weight and she is really tiny.....embarrassing.....
and I decided I would tell her that I dont want to do a certain activity becuase I think I might be too fat, and  I am scared I will embarrass myself. She decided to council me. Very sweetly of course...she is super sweet. but I always tell her so much I am embarrassed aftwards....we just spent 20 mins talking about me and my lifestyle and my changes.

I confessed everything I have been working on and all my struggles, and how I need to make more changes, and making a long list of excuses for why I am the way I am. And why I refuse to deprive myself of anything I want. and blah blah blah. She said I need to commit to a change instead of making excuses on why I am just cutting down and blah blah blah.......

its the same story if you want something bad enough you will do it.....I hate hearing that....I want to be thin and healthy very bad....but something is holding me back, and I dont know what...I just refuse to deny myself ANYTHING....if I want something I get it. food and smoking are the same for me....I can not go with out....and if i think i will never eat this again or I will never smoke again....I want to go full strength ahead....

well anyways i tell her the truth way too much, and it embarrasses me. She knows what I am doing at all times as far as work because she works directly behind me, and I confess freaking everything to her. and even my lifestyle....i dont know her that well and she knows everything about me....I just keep talking and talking and confessing and over explaining.....I think she feeds me truth serum......

Sometimes I think I am overly honest, and I need to keep somethings to myself.....However....in this case I think we are on to something....what am I so affraid of?? Why am I affraid to succeed?? What is holding me back....am I affraid that if I get healthy and thin that I still won't beable to get pregnant? Can I handle the answer with out hope. Maybe I am screwing things up on purpose because I am scared??? Maybe I am just affraid to fail so I only let myself do well a little bit??? Am I hiding behind hope?
Sometimes I think this blog might be too personal to really be sharing...but not very many people are following....and my true hopes are that with this blog I can lay things out on the table and I can look at them and figure out the truth for myself...and get to where I want to be.

Smokeless Smoking

A very important step in my motherhood journey is me quitting smoking. This is my current struggle. It has been 2 days since I have had a cigarette. The last couple of weeks I have dramatically cut down. Cheating with a cig or 2 at night, and cheating A LOT on the weekends.

Well how do I do it, you ask?? Smokeless smoking! the electric cigatette. It is really helping!

I am hoping I can give an update next week saying I have not had a single cheating cigarette! LOL.

I need to get my body to its healthiest to concieve and carry Baby Randall, and damnit I am determined!

The hardest thing right now is how emotional not smoking makes me feel. I LOVE smoking!!!! I will always love smoking and always miss it!

but with the huge expense, and the stinking and yellow teeeth.....it is NOT worth it!

I am hoping this blogging thing will work for me! So I can go back and motivate myself why I am doing all this. Why I am struggling. Why I am putting myself through medicinal nausea and hell trying to break bad habbits.

SO here is for hoping!

CHEERS!!

My first step....building my relationship with God

The first step I took was one I didn't realize I was taking. Jess and Nate (gabes brother and his girlfriend) were getting there second child baptized and Gabe and I were to be the God Parents!!! Jess decided she was going to join Zion Lutheran Church in Hopkins. Which is Gabe, Nate, and Maricia's ( my mother in law) church. Jess asked me if I wanted to join her in joining I half hearted said "ok." During the classes I became so motivated and my personal prayer and relationship with God with grew. I realized how nieve I had been in so many situations and thoughts and actions. I have really turned my life over to God. I never thought I needed work on that spiritual side of me. I curved my beliefs to benefit my actions. Though it was not a step taken on purpose or for the purpose of fertility I think it is a vital step in my life as a whole and physical improvement is nothing compared to spiritual improvement. I have never been happier and more at peace. Of course I am, daily, on a Spiritual path to grow. I pray one day my husband will join me on this spiritual journey. I have my sister who really helps motivate me and keep right in the eyes of God, and I am so thankful for that!

Starting out on my fertility road!

I am starting out my road to Baby Randall full of enthusism and excitement! I have known I have PCOS since it was first mentioned to me when I was 21 years old. My doctor at the time never followed up with me. So I really did not know what that meant. In Dec. of 2007 I went back to a new OBGYN and she confirmed I had PCOS and put me on Birth Control and Metformin. I also tried to quit smoking at the same time. The birth control was a disaster. It gave me severe cramps when I would menstrate, and I would constantly forget to take it. The Metformin made me have bad GI tract issues. So I shortly afterward stopped taking both. I quit smoking for about 5 months cold turkey. I gave up on that as well. My OBGYN never followed up with me, and she retired and I did not understand why she put me on those drugs in the first place. All I knew is that PCOS stemmed from insulin resistance. To this day I do not understand exactly how. I told my husband when we first got together that I had PCOS and that it was going to be very hard for me to get pregnant. We decided not to use any type of prevention methods in March 2006.

In September 2010 before my wedding I started having stomach issues and ovary pain and nausea right before my wedding. I thought I had an ovarian cyst. So I raced to OBGYN through PNC. And saw Dr. Joan Bagwell. We went over my medical history and was very concerned that I was not treating my PCOS and explained the importance. She wanted to me on birth control so it would regulate my hormones and make sure I had a period. I explained I did not want to because Gabe and I wanted to have children. So she put me on Metformin, and Premitrium every 3 months if I do not Cycle on my own. and wants me to start Basal Temp charting. And continue taking a prenatal vitamin. Which I am taking flinstones :) She wants me to loose weight and also quit smoking. Soooo many changes....it is over whelming! I am not good at changing my habbits AT ALL...and remembering to take pills is a HUGE battle! As you can imagine. I have made progress with these changes, but I have not been 100% successful at all of them because it is soo much at once! I have lost 23 lbs since Dec of 2007. and I have at least 50 more lbs to go!

This is my history and where I stand. I want to blog about it because I want it documented, and I want to be able to go back and read and see progress...and hopefully this blog will come to an end, and I will be starting a pregnancy blog!