Current luxuries of being an INfertile Mertle

I am on this mission, and I really don't know what the hell I am doing. I called my doctor, because during menstruation after progesterone induced menstruation I had a 2 week temp spike. She says a pregnancy test is in order. I take a home pregnancy test. NEGITIVE. She says well it must have been from the meds. Back to normal BBT....How in the hell do I have, or find, my biphasic cycle when I don't have a cycle. I don't have a luteal phase because I am not ovulating.....HELLO....what the hell is the point of this shit! Excuse my french, but sometimes this is just ridiculous. But... ok ...ok I need to find out if I am randomly ovulating. Which apparently is probable. But I might only ovulate like once a year, and if conditions aren't right I still wont conceive. I mean I was reading today and even your cervical mucus has to be just right. Well this just doesn't seem very encouraging. I am taking my metformin, and trying to eat healthier so that I can bring on ovulation more naturally. Well I can tell you whats not natural.....my gas....whhhhheeeeeewwwwww....thanks metformin! My husband isn't going to want to impregnate me with that! SERIOUSLY!!! but a small price to pay for our baby Randall. I just hope this is not all in vain. If nothing happens by the time I go back to the doc in April...I think we are going to have to make another step. Because I am not feeling so positive. I can't be freakin Merry Sunshine all the damn time. Sometimes the damn glass looks half empty what can I say! I am not saying I need to be pregnant or have ovulated by April, but I would like to see some sort of pattern or try progesterone cream or fertilaid. I would love to try clomid, but I am scared for that step....I wanna be in PRIME condition before I go there. and I need to drop ATLEAST 30 lbs before I start that. I am scared of Clomid because I am scared it wont work...and I don't know if I can face that yet. I am not strong enough to face failure beyond natural failures.

My forehead reads DEFEATED!!

Yep....lets just lay it out on the table...I am smoking. I am cutting down to 8 cigs a day. I was a failure at smokeless smoking. I mean I still use the method in moments when I want extra, but for now 8 cigs a day it is. and you know what....I am EXCITED about it!!! My sanity is back in tact!