Time is moving so slow. I can hardly wait the 2 more hours until bed time. If the wind blows the wrong direction I think I might cry. I hate everyone. Everyone pisses me off. You don't even know how bad this timing is. I hurt so bad. No one can really hear me. No one gets it. My husband doesn't understand. I feel like I can't really cry on his shoulder. He wants me to just accept the fact that we may never have children. And I can't do it. I just can't. I want to get wasted smoke thousands of cigarettes and then just shut my brain off and go to sleep. I want to wake up pregnant, skinny, and living in a house. I only want to hear advise that makes me happy. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to dream anymore. I don't want to hope anymore. I want to sulk in my misery and tell everyone else to go screw themselves. I don't want to hear that anyone is pregnant it is like a dagger to the heart. I don't want to walk by the baby section at Target. I don't want to see a new born baby. Keep everything baby away from me. I can fucking handle it. I want to walk but not talk I want run until I pass out I want to eat and throw it all up. I want to starve myself. Why did I tell everyone in the world about how excited I was for my appointment and what would happen. I was all wrong and it was horrible. I am embarrassed. I was stupid. I want to post on facebook " just kidding everyone I am a failure adn I will go no where. We wont be having babies or buying houses" I will stay where I am and my husband can take all the money and put it into his car and he can live happily ever after I will just watch. I give up I give up I give up. I surrender I surrender I surrender. Why God WHY!!!!!!!!! Doesnt it just get worse from here? That what I heard. I am just starting this struggle and I am already braking down. Maybe I am just not cut out for this.
I understand that this is all dramatic and I will be fine. I know. I will pray and God will give me strength and I will have hope again. I am just sulking in my misery and feeling bad for myself today. It was too much this weekend. I suppose I thought it was going to be the best weekend EVER but it was major disappointment after another and I am spent. I am done. I am giving the world a big middle finger and asking them to sit and spin because I just dont care today. I just dont.
I will care tomorrow. I will love tomorrow. I will try tomorrow. I will hope tomorrow. I will get up tomorrow. I will be a good christian tomorrow. I will be strong tomorrow. I will be the woman of family and hold us together tomorrow. I will be a good daughter tomorrow. I will be a good wife tomorrow. I will be a good housekeeper tomorrow. I will be a good sister tomorrow. I will be a good aunt tomorrow. I will just be tomorrow.
But today please just let me be. let me be weak. Let me be mean. Let be rude. Let me be wrong. Let me cry. Let me hurt. Let me sulk.
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