Update

Wow its been since March 2nd that I have written. 4 months!! It has been an unproductive 4 months. In April I went back to the doctor, and she thinks I am really getting close to regulating. She urged me to not go on Clomid quite yet and to give it a better chance. At that time according to the doctors scales I had lost 27 lbs. Which was great progress. She said I can stop tracking until I start having natural cycles. Because Right now I am having 90-100 day cycles with no ovulation. It is just tortuous to wake up every morning and search for it!

I added to my regiman of meds!! with Supplements!!
1500mgs of Metformin
250mgs of Magnesium
400mgs of Follic Acid
and of course my daily Vitamin

I also purchased Preseed.

I would like to start Fertile Aide or Vitex. (herbal supplements)

I went through a depressed time then I just put it out of my mind, and would cry during my prayers.

I then went through an icredible optimistic time when I just knew God was telling me it was right around the corner. I then developed a little fertile cerivicle mucous, and my hopes were sky high and I was on top of the world!!! well my cervicle mucous dried up ( I was so sad), and I took 2 pregnancy tests with in 3 weeks. Both negitive. Depression reared its ugly head!!!

I started the supplements at that time. I started putting My Baby Randall out of reach and out of mind. I have been letting the stresses of money and life get to me. I subconsciously started forgetting my meds and my supplements. I started eating more chips, and craving more sugary foods.

I noticed when I was my most positive I started not finishing my plate. I didnt want to put the bad shit in my body. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be healthy and feel healthy. I wanted to walk. I JUST WANTED TO FEEL GOOD!! but as soon as I was back to negative I craved the bad stuff.

I have really opened up, and started talking more about babies, and what I am trying to do. I feel that I am not overly obsessive and consumed. I dont want to cry with every baby I see or pregnant women.

But I feel like I dont talk about my feelings when its hard. I dont think people want to hear that nor know what to say. I cry to God, and get it out then mostly. But lately I cannot get over my feelings of failure.